Did not go exactly as I planned it.
Unfortunately, I’ve felt strongly about him for a while. It was pretty obvious that I wanted to say it. Mix the emotion and want with a bit of alcohol and there you have it. You say shit that you knew you shouldn’t say. Obviously I was a little sad he didn’t reciprocate, but I got over it once I sobered up. I didn’t want to tell him that. Not because I’m scared of him knowing or scared of falling. It’s because I don’t want to be in love or to think that I’m in love. I’ve said it to others and when it was over it didn’t add up. I wanted to be completely sure about this one. I’m an idiot, but the good news is that I said what I wanted to say and now I’m not bottling it up inside and going crazy about it.
Live and learn.. right?
There’s only a couple of months left in this relationship. He said his relationships only last six months and we are at four months. He also said that we were going to extend our relationship to his birthday, because his relationships never end before his birthday. That adds two months. It means I’m setting a record and we have four months left in our relationship. That’s good enough for me.
Here’s what I told him:
I feel like I haven’t grown up sufficiently to move in with you. I lean on people more often than I should and I really want to live on my own and be forced to grow up a little. I’m not really a benefit to you as I am.
Here’s what I left out:
I’m scared that if I move in with you prior to getting married, you’ll never want to marry me.
It’s not that I’m psycho and I’ll change if I’m around him for long periods of time. It’s that I’m afraid he’ll get comfortable and not see the point in marrying me.
Here’s the plan in my head:
2. Marry before I’m 25 (I’m turning 23 - May 2014).
3. Spend 2-3 years being an awesome married couple that does what they want to do, when they want to do it, how they want to do it.. because they don’t have kids.
4. Have first kid by 27 (He will be 30).
5. Have the following kid(s) before 30 (Before he is (33).
6. Raise the kids. Save money.
7. See the kids of and once again be the awesome married couple that does what they want to do, when they want to do it, how they want to do it.. because their kids are grown. (I will be around 50 and he will be around 53).
Marriage is essential in my plan and I’m afraid it wont happen when I want it to happen if I move in. Why buy the cow, when you’re getting the milk for free. Which doesn’t mean sex, because I gave that up on our first date. But if everything is already as it should be after marriage, I feel like he will have a solid argument for skipping that part of my plan.
I cannot understand this feeling right now. I woke up angry and I just wanted to leave. I wanted to get as far away as possible from this man that normally makes me very happy.
I’m tired of not getting to do what I want to do. I’m tried of him talking shit about the things that we actually do and were my ideas. I feel like he’s always putting my things down and I really can’t take it any more.
Yes… he did tell me we weren’t doing anything this weekend, but I told him prior to that, that I had plans to go bowling with my coworkers. I was really excited to go to buffalo wild wings. Then after all was said and done I just wanted to play some game any game… beer pong, tetris, anything… and he wasn’t having that either. Now I’m sitting here in his room, with his loud as snoring and I’m going crazy. I want to cry and run away and leave and scream. I have no idea how to handle these emotions. I don’t know what to do.